Missing My Baby...

I taught him to walk....

I bought him his first toy...

I taught him to sing & laugh...

I changed his diapers and bathed him...

I witnessed his first real laugh,

And I taught him to eat with a spoon and drink with a straw...

I made it a daily tradition to visit Dairy Queen for dessert & play on the playground.

I sat with him at the hospital when he was sick...

I provided his first bedroom...

And filled it with toys and stuffed animals.

I taught him to say the most important words: "I Love You", and "I'm Sorry".

I introduced him to Santa Clause.

I slept with his little head on my chest and my arm around his waist for a year.

We held each other and we thought we were safe.

I protected him like a mother lion,

I skipped meals, so that he could eat.

I taught him not to hit or bite..

I taught him to be kind and gentle.

In return for my efforts, I was vilified.

I became the bad guy.

He was ripped away from me a few days prior to Christmas.

My year of being a father was over, and my child disappeared.

Even now, his image is the last thing I see when I go to sleep at night,

And the first thing I envision when I wake up.

I never thought that I would be this involved with a child,

That my love for another human being could be so great.

I never thought that my love could turn into a dagger in my heart.

Hitting Bottom....

I don't know how I'm still holding it together.... A couple of weeks ago I was on top of the hill. Now I feel like I've hit rock bottom. Grayson was removed from our custody on 12/23. His Christmas presents are all still sitting here unwrapped. I guess I'm having trouble facing reality. I don't know if he will ever return. But I keep his presents in his room-- and keep his bedroom door closed. He was such a big part of my life and my total focus for the past year. I still see him in every room of my house-- but he isn't really here any more. Luckily I've been so busy with work that my mind it constantly occupied. But when I come through the front door of my house, it hits me. I go to the gym every day. I'm not actually working out anynmore, though. I pretty much go in, do a couple of excersises and then head to the shower. I've found that that small shower stall is the only place in my world that I can close myself in and have a good cry every day.

It's getting a little easier to deal with now that the holidays have passed and I've had a couple of weeks to get used the silence in the house. I miss that little boy so much-- you can never imagine how it feels to have the biggest part of your heart ripped from your chest. I'm dealing with it, but it isn't easy. I worry about his future most of all. I worry about my future, too. I know it will get easier to deal with all of this-- time heals all wounds, they say.

My Montage 12/28/09 at OneTrueMedia.com

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thanksgiving '09

We had a great time with my family at Mom's house on Thanksgiving day. All of the family was there, except for my brother Jim. Jim went to his girlfriend's family's get-together somewhere in Louisianna. We had a great time and spent most of the day with my family. On the way home, we stopped by Michael's father's house. He was celebrating Thanksgiving alone and seemed to really appreciate the fact that we stopped by. I don't understand that side of my family. How can his children have a huge get-together at the lake and not invite their father? His ex-wife (their step-mother) was invited and enjoyed a fun three days. Maybe I'm being overly critical-- maybe I don't understand the family dynamics. I've only seen the family all together one time, at a wedding. Maybe there are scars that I'll never understand. I just can't imagine shutting my father out of my life for any reason.

Anyway... the day after Thanksgiving we drove up to Lake Alatoona to join Michael's mother and sisters. We weren't able to spend the night as we had originally planned, but we got to spend a few hours with the kids while the rest of the adults went on a Black Friday shopping spree. The lake house was beautiful and the kids had a great time at the lakeside playground. Grayson is growing up so quickly- and he's able to hold his own with the older kids.

I can't believe that Thanksgiving has already come and gone. I can't believe that we are in the "holiday season" already. It seems like only yesterday we were saying "Happy New Year". I guess it's true that time goes faster and faster the older you get.

Reflections...

This battle has been going on for almost a year now and I'm getting tired of it. I'm not giving up or giving in, though. I can put up with the aggrevatoin. I can defend myself against the accusations and criticizing. I just have to try to stay strong, and remember that I'm doing my best. In the end, there is a goal in sight and a child's future at stake. God, give me strength to see this through.

Grayson's Halloween!

Halloween '09

Well, I thought it'd be a great idea for a cheap costume... I went as Tom Cruise from "Risky Business". I roamed the streets of East Point and even went to the Corner Tavern in my skivvies! In the movie, Tom was wearing briefs... I didn't want to follow suit. I guess I can stand going out in public in boxer briefs.... but it's too cold to go out in tighty whitey's.... if you know what I mean!

Happy Anniversary to US!

I can't believe that it's been a year since Michael and I headed West to get married! This time last year, we were checking into the Roosevelt Hotel in LA. We got a free upgrade to a luxury hotel room, overlooking Hollywood Blvd. Our wedding ceremony was held the following day-- shortly after we had our picture taken with a couple of Marilyn Monroe impersonators outside the Chinese Theater. The ceremony was very simple-- money was tight and we couldn't afford the cliff side or beach ceremony. We opted for the wedding chapel venue. It was just the two of us, a Pastor and the world's worst photographer. There was ONE invited guest-- my former roommate, Christian. He was a no show & later claimed that he was sick.

The wedding chapel was as tacky as I expected. We stood with the Pastor under an indoor trellis covered in silk pink roses. We told the Pastor that we had written our own vows, but he ignored that request and went on with the ceremony as usual using prewritten vows. The vows we spoke to each other were probably better in hindsight.. they were dead on, and both of us cried as we attempted to repeat them. It was a totally moving ceremony, but we both regretted that we didn't get to say the things that we had spent weeks working on. We did read our personal vows to each other on the way to the car, and we ended up crying again and holding each other in the wedding chapel parking lot.

After the ceremony, we headed to Redondo Beach. We walked the pier and stopped for a drink in the local tavern. We watched the sun set over the ocean and relished in the fact that we were legally married. Just as legal as our parents had been. Who would have known that we were one of the last gay couple that could enjoy this right? A month later, gay marriages were outlawed due to Prop 8. Our marriage status was in limbo for the next several months. Sometime around February or March it was announced that marriages performed prior to November 3rd, 2008 were grandfathered in-- our marriage was still valid!

Since then, life has been a rocky road. Both of our work situations changed, money is tighter than ever and the "happily -ever-after" dream I had of marriage hasn't panned out. It's been a year, and we've settled into our roles as husbands and fathers (did I mention that we are raising a baby?). In the past year, we've gone through the "richer or poorer, sickness and in health" routine. Everything bad has been thrown at us, but we're still together and things are getting better. I'd walk through fire for that man, and I know he'd do the same for me. We are a family-- as strange as it may sound.

Happy Anniversary, Baby. I warned you that this was a life sentence with no chance of parole, and I meant it! Thank you for always being there for me, for encouraging me and supporting me. You are my knight in shining armor and I love you! I look forward to growing old with you and continuing to love you to the nth degree!

Below are the vows that we personally wrote to each other. Enjoy a private look at our inner-most thoughts:

Michael's vow to me:

It has been written that love is its own country that the world invades. It has also been written to love someone is to fly with the angels and if you are lucky your hands and hearts are connected, your body, you soul. I can only thank God that I have been able find the one person with whom all of this becomes manifest.
Brian, before you came into my life I was very much adrift. Now, I find a complement to my strength, am enhancement where I am weak. And, I am very blessed to do the same in return and have you love me…in return.
Brian, I pledge that you will always have my love. That you will always have me to lean upon and me upon you, our love is and always will be complete and perpetual.
This I promise today, tomorrow, and always.

*******************************************************************

My vow to Michael:

I, Brian, choose you, Michael, to be my soul mate and husband. In sickness, I will nurse you back to health. In health, I will encourage you on your path. In sadness, I will help you to remember. In happiness, I will be there to make memories with you. In poverty, I will do all that I can to make our love rich. And in wealth, I will never let our love grow poor.

When you need someone to talk to, I will be there for you. When you need a helping hand, you’ve got mine. When you need someone to laugh with, turn to me.

I promise to you a life time of happiness and I am so grateful to God that you entered my life.

Through the good and the bad, I will be beside you to protect you and love you as long as we both shall live.