Hitting Bottom....

I don't know how I'm still holding it together.... A couple of weeks ago I was on top of the hill. Now I feel like I've hit rock bottom. Grayson was removed from our custody on 12/23. His Christmas presents are all still sitting here unwrapped. I guess I'm having trouble facing reality. I don't know if he will ever return. But I keep his presents in his room-- and keep his bedroom door closed. He was such a big part of my life and my total focus for the past year. I still see him in every room of my house-- but he isn't really here any more. Luckily I've been so busy with work that my mind it constantly occupied. But when I come through the front door of my house, it hits me. I go to the gym every day. I'm not actually working out anynmore, though. I pretty much go in, do a couple of excersises and then head to the shower. I've found that that small shower stall is the only place in my world that I can close myself in and have a good cry every day.

It's getting a little easier to deal with now that the holidays have passed and I've had a couple of weeks to get used the silence in the house. I miss that little boy so much-- you can never imagine how it feels to have the biggest part of your heart ripped from your chest. I'm dealing with it, but it isn't easy. I worry about his future most of all. I worry about my future, too. I know it will get easier to deal with all of this-- time heals all wounds, they say.