Daily thoughts by a guy that doesn't like to think deeply too often!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Missing My Baby...

I taught him to walk....

I bought him his first toy...

I taught him to sing & laugh...

I changed his diapers and bathed him...

I witnessed his first real laugh,

And I taught him to eat with a spoon and drink with a straw...

I made it a daily tradition to visit Dairy Queen for dessert & play on the playground.

I sat with him at the hospital when he was sick...

I provided his first bedroom...

And filled it with toys and stuffed animals.

I taught him to say the most important words: "I Love You", and "I'm Sorry".

I introduced him to Santa Clause.

I slept with his little head on my chest and my arm around his waist for a year.

We held each other and we thought we were safe.

I protected him like a mother lion,

I skipped meals, so that he could eat.

I taught him not to hit or bite..

I taught him to be kind and gentle.

In return for my efforts, I was vilified.

I became the bad guy.

He was ripped away from me a few days prior to Christmas.

My year of being a father was over, and my child disappeared.

Even now, his image is the last thing I see when I go to sleep at night,

And the first thing I envision when I wake up.

I never thought that I would be this involved with a child,

That my love for another human being could be so great.

I never thought that my love could turn into a dagger in my heart.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Hitting Bottom....

I don't know how I'm still holding it together.... A couple of weeks ago I was on top of the hill. Now I feel like I've hit rock bottom. Grayson was removed from our custody on 12/23. His Christmas presents are all still sitting here unwrapped. I guess I'm having trouble facing reality. I don't know if he will ever return. But I keep his presents in his room-- and keep his bedroom door closed. He was such a big part of my life and my total focus for the past year. I still see him in every room of my house-- but he isn't really here any more. Luckily I've been so busy with work that my mind it constantly occupied. But when I come through the front door of my house, it hits me. I go to the gym every day. I'm not actually working out anynmore, though. I pretty much go in, do a couple of excersises and then head to the shower. I've found that that small shower stall is the only place in my world that I can close myself in and have a good cry every day.
It's getting a little easier to deal with now that the holidays have passed and I've had a couple of weeks to get used the silence in the house. I miss that little boy so much-- you can never imagine how it feels to have the biggest part of your heart ripped from your chest. I'm dealing with it, but it isn't easy. I worry about his future most of all. I worry about my future, too. I know it will get easier to deal with all of this-- time heals all wounds, they say.