Daily thoughts by a guy that doesn't like to think deeply too often!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I Lie, Too

On the surface, I appear to be a nice guy. When you talk I appear to listen. I nod and laugh, when it's appropriate. Sometines, though, I'm not listening. I'm nodding and laughing, but I haven't really heard what you've said. It's a fault- one I've worked on for years with no success. I want to hear you- but my head is full of "me". Did I pay my mortgage, car payment, insurances bill; did I turn off the coffee maker this morning? These are the thoughts in my head. It's nothing personal-- I love you. Sometimes I really hear you, sometimes I just nod and pretend that I did. Am I an awful person for doing this? Are you similar to me? I bet you do this too.
I get dressed up every morning and go to work. It's a costume and I'm an actor. I play the role of a functioning human being. But it's a lie. Inside this functioning human being is a small child saying "Me first", "Don't forget to notice me", "Watch this, Mommy". I want your approval-- I love to hear your laugh, but I wonder if you're faking it, too, sometimes.
I'm the person that comes into work and pays the bills, signs your paychecks, etc. I'm the authority figure, the Daddy persona. Would you guess that I was drunker than Cootey Brown last night-- dancing in a bar and singing kareoke at the top of my lungs? It's all a lie-- I'm not a kareoke singer, I'm not a Manager. I'm just me.
This week, a friend called me superficial. She's probably right. It hurts to admit it, but she said it and it's true. I look out for me- I worry about me. What's wrong with that, though?
I'm a cornucopia of disbelief- a liar and egomaniac. But aren't we all?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pretty deep thoughts from a guy who says he "doesn't like to think too deeply too often". Love ya.

8:46 AM

Blogger =^..^= Kitty =^..^= said...

Oh my! You're suffering from the Human Condition!!! There's no cure for that. How do I know? I suffer from the Human Condition myself.

9:20 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i watch you every day, brian. i watch you turn on, turn off and engage the moment with a rush.
but not everyone is like you. and that is good. your superficial side is a lie.
you are your own avatar and your own metaphor, recreating yourself for the moment and exerting meaning when you least expect it.
it is important not to believe your own mythology and even more important that you live it without regret or question. it is coward who lives a lie and believes it. it is a courageous drag queen who lives a lie and owns it.
you have become your own superhero. and you have become mine. perhaps it happened while we were sleeping.
when you wake up tomorrow, who will you be? i can't wait to see how she looks on you.

8:36 AM


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