I Lie, Too
On the surface, I appear to be a nice guy. When you talk I appear to listen. I nod and laugh, when it's appropriate. Sometines, though, I'm not listening. I'm nodding and laughing, but I haven't really heard what you've said. It's a fault- one I've worked on for years with no success. I want to hear you- but my head is full of "me". Did I pay my mortgage, car payment, insurances bill; did I turn off the coffee maker this morning? These are the thoughts in my head. It's nothing personal-- I love you. Sometimes I really hear you, sometimes I just nod and pretend that I did. Am I an awful person for doing this? Are you similar to me? I bet you do this too.
I get dressed up every morning and go to work. It's a costume and I'm an actor. I play the role of a functioning human being. But it's a lie. Inside this functioning human being is a small child saying "Me first", "Don't forget to notice me", "Watch this, Mommy". I want your approval-- I love to hear your laugh, but I wonder if you're faking it, too, sometimes.
I'm the person that comes into work and pays the bills, signs your paychecks, etc. I'm the authority figure, the Daddy persona. Would you guess that I was drunker than Cootey Brown last night-- dancing in a bar and singing kareoke at the top of my lungs? It's all a lie-- I'm not a kareoke singer, I'm not a Manager. I'm just me.
This week, a friend called me superficial. She's probably right. It hurts to admit it, but she said it and it's true. I look out for me- I worry about me. What's wrong with that, though?
I'm a cornucopia of disbelief- a liar and egomaniac. But aren't we all?