A Brush with the Divine

I had a blow out yesterday. It's not shocking- it happens about once every couple of months to me. I think in a previous life, I must have never had a flat tire- now I'm paying for it in this life! When I had the blow out yesterday, I was already driving on a spare tire. I pulled over to the side of the road and tried to figure out what I should do. I didn't have a spare tire (it was already in use) and my car had landed on the curb of a highway exit ramp. Luckily, I had a cell phone. I called the Goodyear dealership and a tow truck and everything seemed to be working out. My friend Rob said he'd pick me up and I got the feeling that everything would be fine.

As I got out of my car, I saw a skinny black woman walking towards me. She was wearing faded jeans with a halter top. She had long hair, mostly purple. As she approached me, she introduced herself as Evangelist Pamela. She told me that she was there to help and then she said a little prayer for me. Then the holy woman had a few words of advice for me: "You need to move your car before it gets fucked up!". She was right, my car was parked kind of dangerously.

I got in the car and started to crank it. The evangelist lady was behind the car with her hands planted on the pollen-crusted trunk, ready to push. I leaned out to tell her that it didn't need to be pushed, but by that point she was speaking in tongues and asking God for the power to push my car. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I could drive on the rims. So I turned the key, put it in drive and eased my car up onto the curb as the evangelist praised God for the strength to push a car.

When I got out of the car, she came to hug me and say another prayer. Of course I noticed when one of her hands clamped onto my butt during the prayer. Just after she finished praising the Lord and singing a chorus of "Alleluia", she told me that she was 50 years old. "Don't you think I look damn good for 50?", she asked. As I gathered my things from the car I assured her that she looked good for her age. "I got 7 grandbabies, too", she informed me. Did she think that would turn me on? Was she hitting on me? Did she want something? The questions were flooding my mind. Maybe she really was an evangelist. The most foul mouthed evangelist I've ever met. Maybe she was a hooker. Homeless? Scammer waiting for a victim?

"May the Lord bless you and keep you" she said. Those words were followed by "Do you have any beer or cigarettes? I'm thirsty and need a smoke after pushing that car". I thanked her and gave her a smoke and started to walk away. "Have a blessed day" she hollered as she ran back into the woods beside the freeway.